AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
