he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
