I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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