So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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