Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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