life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
