Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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