i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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