the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
