the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
