Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
