I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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