Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
