I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize