She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
