Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
