How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
