Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
