I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
