Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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