You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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