Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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