Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
