I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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