She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
