I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
we're so committed to being not committed
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
