How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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