a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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