with your own penis?
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
