Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
