final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
