Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
