Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
