I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize