can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
