In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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