mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
