mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize