so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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