Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
