btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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