I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
