Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize