Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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