His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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