Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
