a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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