I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize