I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
