Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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