Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
