3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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