U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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