She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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