YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
