Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
