I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
high people should be assigned attendants
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
