i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
