um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
