My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
