ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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