Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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